I was talking with Ara the Wise yesterday…..I have been really down (sad / melancholy) the last 2 weeks, my creativity has been very hard to access, which is VERY unlike me.
Part of change is grief, I think I am grieving the loss of food as a source of comfort, its been a great (ish) companion for decades and I am ready to let go of it, and yet doing so is sad, like saying goodbye to old friend. recognizing that my sadness is about this loss immediately made me feel better.
BUT the rub is I don’t know who I am becoming, I don’t know the new me that will be my new friend. Changing this habit / relationship with my food. Guess this is my mid-life-crisis, I had always hoped my midlife crisis would a new car (Morgan 3 wheeler or H1-Kit car) but nope I get a old fashioned identity crisis… oh well…..
So I am asking myself can I be someone new… So I am going use this space to imagine new me’s
Can I be a guy who does Yoga in the mornings and goes to bed early, and gives up the fame (and time to catch up on being an introvert) of being a Night Owl?
Can I be the guy who is a health nut drinks shakes and only organic food
Can I be a pastor who skips potlucks, has dietary restriction at conferences, and (maybe) doesn’t work in a church at all?
Can I make theses changes to my identity when things are stressful and not fall back into old patterns? I am really afraid I will fall back into them, and I sure do like being perfect and have in the past have chosen to not act rather than risk failing. (Though I said it more like, If I can’t do it perfectly and I am not doing it, which sounds less negative than risking failure)
Can I risk trying something new with who I am and failing?
Of course I can, its more like trying on new clothes, looking for a new style, rather than a whole new identity, but it doesn’t always feel that way. The question of will my beloved Jennifer love a skinny Chris who gets up in the morning, of course I logical know the answer is yes, but my feelings still warn me that perhaps not, better not risk it……